Salaam aleikum, gentle readers of Fat Girl Jihad. Please allow me to introduce myself. I am A. Dhirmal Akbar. Several years ago, I discovered the glory and truth of the teachings of Islam, and gave myself to Allah, the most merciful.
A lifetime ago, I was a regular American boy. A corn-fed, God-fearing, hard-working, stop-sign-shootin’ patriot. I loved my country, I went to Church on Sunday, and I had big plans to take over my daddy’s thresher parts and accessories shop, raise a family, and live a good Christian life.
My teachers in school told me I had a good head on my shoulders though, and they wanted me to go to college. Hot-damn! I was the first in my family to ever educate myself past high school. I still wanted to keep my promise to my daddy, and to God, to take over the thresher parts and accessories store. I enrolled in a program that would help me turn daddy’s shop into raging success – Business Administration in Washington DC, and then did an MBA in Toronto, Ontario. I was so excited, to head to these big cities where surely many beautiful and worthy potential wives would live. But alas, it was a trap!
Once I arrived in Washington, I realized something had gone horribly wrong. Everywhere I looked, the women were beastly. Great, voluminous creatures bedecked with layered rolls and cellulite; muffin tops and upper-arm jiggles; more chins than a Chinaman with a stutter; and worst of all, these women had no idea what their true proportions were.
Later, I would come to understand that they had been tricked by The Great Satan into perceiving themselves slimmer than they were. As Muslims we must abhor Satan, but we must never forget his strength and cunning! Somehow, despite:
- Regularly getting stuck in escalators,
- Having to use four scales, one for each limb, to weigh themselves,
- Blood-cholesterol test results that simply read “butter,”
- Knowing that if they ever signed up for an MMA fight, they would be competing in the same weight class as Brock Lesnar and Kimbo Slice
These physically abundant women did not know how large they were!
The Great Satan had deceived them into perceiving themselves as slim, attractive and feminine. Such wily tricks! Though they resembled walruses coated with flesh-colored cottage cheese, the women comported themselves with a haughty masculinity that would have cowed Genghis Khan.
Such a shock this was, to my young mind. The world I had believed in was a lie. My dreams had been shattered. But though it seemed a tragedy, it was truly a blessing in disguise, for this was my first step along the path towards the righteous, the glorious, the merciful Allah.
To be continued…