I was at my small farm home in my village one day, tending my goats and watching my beautiful, skinny woman dance before me. It was a glorious occasion, Allah be praised. Glorious until I received this letter from my brother, that is.
Allahu Akbar. May this letter find you in good health. I know it has not been long since I left you for America so that I could become a doctor, but I have troubling news. It is the women here. I first noticed something was wrong on my layover flight in New York. Of course I grabbed a stewardess and demanded to know why a hippopotamus was being allowed air travel in the united states – as this breaks Allah’s holy law. She informed me that this beast at which I was staring was not a hippopotamus, but was, in fact, an American woman.
I laughed bravely in her face, knowing such a thing could not be true. I was wrong, my dearest Mahboob, I was so very wrong. I could not believe my eyes, but I was staring at an actual American woman. I thought, surely this was a one-off thing, they can’t all be this big.
They are all this big.
I am not sure what happened to my brother, as it has been months since I’ve heard from him. There were jelly donut stains on the letter, and it stank of fattitude. I have since sold my belongings, given up my goats, and packed my woman into checked luggage. I shall go to America and fight this evil! Provided the plane doesn’t crash from the ridiculous weight of the American women aboard it.