Years ago, praise Allah, I was but a man in a small world, working as I could to provide food and money for my wives and children. One day while out in the fields, I received a letter in the mail from my long lost friend Muhammed V, who urged me to come visit Washington D.C. and see America.
He told stories of debauchery, wild women, subway systems, men called “herbs”, and of internet that travels through the air. Before I could write my rebuke, telling him Allah does not smile upon those who lie and that he should stay away from opium, my eyes came across his final paragraph. In it, he described American women of untold size and gargantuan girth, women who ate portions such that I would never believe. He spoke in terms of “overweight” and “obese”, words that I had never heard of and had to look up.
Was this true? Was such a violation of nature and Allah’s gift of body possible? I could more easily believe that internet floats in cafes than that an average American woman is “overweight”. This I must see!
I left my eldest son in charge and immediately journeyed to the airport.
Upon arrival, I was amazed. Was not America the land of technology and progress? Did they not celebrate cleanliness and hygiene? Why then, I wondered, would they allow their livestock to roam their airports? I saw numerous men guiding cattle around the terminals and food courts, and some were even allowing them to eat “fast food.” Upon closer inspection, praise Allah, I observed that these men had taught their livestock how to feed themselves with their hooves! They also clothed their cattle! What strangeness, here in America.
Not knowing how long I would be staying with Mohammed, I decided I would purchase a cow for myself. I would need a companion on my journey to witness American women’s obesity, and praise Allah, it could feed itself!
I walked up to the owner of the biggest cattle I could find, and inquired of its price. Much to my confusion, he and his livestock became incredibly angry with me! This was obviously a bazaar of sorts, why would this man be upset at me for inquiring? In an effort to calm them I tried to feed the cow some oats I had in my pocket while petting it. It began yelling at me! Praise Allah!
Both the man and his magical talking cattle pushed me away, and in utter confusion I did nothing. I could not believe my senses! What witchcraft! As they descended upon me, my friend Mohammed, praise Allah, appeared and intervened. He apologized for me and guided me away.
“Akbar,” he said, “this is not a livestock bazaar you fool! That was a woman! An American woman, you idiot!”
“Nonsense,” I replied, “I saw nothing but men in there. Come now, quit joking, let us go. Show me these women you spoke of in the letter.”
“Akbar!” Muhammed said, “Look closer! Do you not see? Look, I said!”
I stood back and allowed myself to focus. Praise Allah! These were women! The women Muhammed spoke of! With great shock, then amusement, and then sadness, I sat down. My mind raced. How could this be? How could they do this to themselves? How could a man be so desperate to marry such beasts? Was it possible they could even conceive? I lifted a prayer up to Allah. Muhammed sat next to me, and we spent the next hour in silence.
Finally, I spoke. “Muhammed, take me from here. There is nothing more to see. Allah forgive me, for I must have a drink.”
And thus, I was introduced to America.