A Prayer For Strength Against The Fat Satan

God is great to bring you, brother Muhammed V, down from the mountains of the District of Columbia to declare this holiest of jihads against the mighty inFATdel (the new American woman).

Our enemy is plump, numerous, and formidable. She fears no man, because she is nearly one herself. She has no shame and her appetites are insatiable. Her numbers—and size—grow every day, while our brothers’ diminish. She eats of the late-night pizza, drinks of the Starbucks milkshake, and indulges of the combo burrito with impunity. She displays the most brazen of fattitudes, an arrogance that men must accept her “as she is,” if he is to be a real man. She worships 24/7 before the idols of: texting, Facebook, and the Kardashian. She shears her hair, and proudly adorns herself with the Ugg Boot and the baggy sweat-pant.

Our valiant struggle will thus be great—and we may not triumph—but better to die under the weight of martyrdom than to live among the Fat Satan in this soiled, unholy land. We must do what we can to serve the will of God: to return the American woman to the road of thinness and femininity. God willing, we will succeed.

I join you in this intifada. We are but a few warriors taking a stand today. But tomorrow, Allah permitting, we will be millions.

8 thoughts on “A Prayer For Strength Against The Fat Satan

  1. As a newly converted Finnish-American-Muslim, I also decree a holy fatwah against short, practical, “soccer-Mom” hair.

    O, for the love of all that is halal, I beseech thee, O Mighty Allah, to smite with an errant barber’s shears the tip of an ear of all women who refuse to grow their hair porn-starishly long and flowing, such that their succulent nipples peek coyly through their tresses. O Mighty Allah, have pity on your humble servant.

  2. Pingback: Forgive, But Show No Mercy! | Fat Girl Jihad

  3. Fatties are gross, in either sex, but particularly of the women’s.
    My brothers, remember also to eat less of the starchy crap, and less of the sugary garbage, for it is of Shaytan, and mostly for the low income infidel.
    Lift of the heavy weights, attend of the gym, and fornicate not with lazy piggies, as per Allah’s dietary laws.

  4. Allah (SWT) Grant us the gift of life. Grant us courage, strength, fortitude, patience, and the ability to delay gratification for better long-term results. Let their rambles and bambles and inquisitions “Why are you eating so healthy?” deflect of the impenetrable steel of our Holy Spirit and Armor. Let us lead by example and preserve beauty and youth with your Holy grace bestowed upon us. Let us show them light where there is heavy. Lead us to the promised land, alongside Christian Brother Tim Tebow and grant us the power necessary to return to our days of former, thinner, more aesthetic glory. Ameen.

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