The fat satan that is destroying the world has begun to feel full of itself (no pun intended). It has begun to think that is as valuable to Allah as a real person! Behold the face of satan!
Since moving to America to find my missing brother, I have become a fan of the food television network. Studying it has allowed me to blend into American culture undetected, as well as learn more about the enemies of Allah: Fat American women. One show, in particular, is my favorite. The show “Chopped”.
The show is hosted by the least gay Queer Eye guy, and features a judges panel composed of A Mexican, a Feminist Bitch, and Marc Murphy. Every week, four contestants compete in three, high speed rounds to create the best dish from random, surprise ingredients. Each round, one person is eliminated, leaving the winner to collect ten thousand worthless American dollars – though I would prefer camels. Many, many camels.
This brings me, my dearest brothers, to this contestant:
Her name is Laura Simpson, and I know what you are thinking, my brothers! Is she related to Jessica Simpson? Unfortunately, no. She ate Jessica Simpson and then took her last name as a trophy.
Chef Simpson came onto the show Chopped with a lot of, how do you say, “fattitude”. She claimed that,
These other contestants see a cute, young, bubbly girl and they think, ‘aww, she wont be a threat’. Well I got news for you! I’m going to win this thing!
Trust me, Laura – none of them were thinking that you were cute or bubbly. They were thinking, “Dear God, if my daughter ends up like that big blubber ball I’ll have to behead her for shaming my family as Allah commands, may his name be praised!”
Naturally, Laura cooked goose-fat potatoes and an extremely sugary, candy and ice cream filled dessert. I was surprised that she didn’t add bacon grease to each course – you know how these fat infidels love the unholy swine juice.
Chef Simpson made it all the way to round three of the competition, bringing the final round down to her or a young American man who kept himself in good shape. I am convinced, as Allah Lives, that the only reason she made it so far is because The Feminist judge pleaded her case constantly – always siding with her.
Fortunately for us all, Allah intervened and a great victory in Jihad was won on the Food Network that day! For as surely as Allah is God and Muhammad is his prophet, the young American chef prayed and said,
If she wins this competition I’ll throttle her about the neck with my own hands!
Allah is merciful and great, and heard this man’s prayers. In the final round, the fat, blubbery excuse for a woman was shamed and told that the food she has dedicated her life to eating, cooking, eating, serving, and mostly eating had let her down and would not be good enough to win her this contest!
Despite cries and protest from the feminist and fat, ugly tears from the beluga whale, a young American man won $10,000!
This is a great day for our cause, brothers! It is a day when a fat woman has been shamed in the eyes of the world!
I was at my small farm home in my village one day, tending my goats and watching my beautiful, skinny woman dance before me. It was a glorious occasion, Allah be praised. Glorious until I received this letter from my brother, that is.
Allahu Akbar. May this letter find you in good health. I know it has not been long since I left you for America so that I could become a doctor, but I have troubling news. It is the women here. I first noticed something was wrong on my layover flight in New York. Of course I grabbed a stewardess and demanded to know why a hippopotamus was being allowed air travel in the united states – as this breaks Allah’s holy law. She informed me that this beast at which I was staring was not a hippopotamus, but was, in fact, an American woman.
I laughed bravely in her face, knowing such a thing could not be true. I was wrong, my dearest Mahboob, I was so very wrong. I could not believe my eyes, but I was staring at an actual American woman. I thought, surely this was a one-off thing, they can’t all be this big.
They are all this big.
I am not sure what happened to my brother, as it has been months since I’ve heard from him. There were jelly donut stains on the letter, and it stank of fattitude. I have since sold my belongings, given up my goats, and packed my woman into checked luggage. I shall go to America and fight this evil! Provided the plane doesn’t crash from the ridiculous weight of the American women aboard it.
My brothers! Allahu Akbar, God be praised! Today, we have won a victory against the fat satan! I have found an American man—one named Shawn—who is sick of the ugly, mammoth women in this country!
It happened that Shawn and I were sitting on a beach when suddenly we spotted a beached whale!
“Bitch! You better put on a burqa before we stone your ass!”
What a proud day for us, brothers, when Western Men begin to take our side! Allahu Akbar, God be praised!
It is He Who produceth gardens, with trellises and without, and dates, and tilth with produce of all kinds, and olives and pomegranates, similar (in kind) and different (in variety): eat of their fruit in their season, but render the dues that are proper on the day that the harvest is gathered. But waste not by excess: for Allah loveth not the wasters.
( سورة الأنعام , Al-Anaam, Chapter 6, Verse 141).