InFATdels, Meet Your New Friends Ana And Mia

There is no God but Allah, blessed be His name, but when it comes to the inFATdels, I’m willing to compromise if it gets them to shed the blubber. Enter the phenomenon of “pro-ana”:

Pro-ana refers to the promotion of the eating disorder anorexia nervosa. It is often referred to simply as “ana” and is sometimes personified by anorexics as a girl named Ana. The lesser-used term pro-mia refers likewise to bulimia nervosa and is sometimes used interchangeably with pro-ana.

Pro-ana organizations differ widely in their stances. Most claim that they exist mainly as a non-judgmental environment for anorexics; a place to turn to, to discuss their illness, and to support those who choose to enter recovery. Others deny anorexia nervosa is a mental illness and claim instead that it is a “lifestyle choice” that should be respected by doctors and family.

Pro-ana websites and forums are dedicated to helping women lose weight and get sexy by providing dieting advice, tips on suppressing hunger pangs, and helping them deal with the resentment and disapproval of their fat friends and family members. They also “thinspire” girls by posting pictures of skinny, attractive women.

As a lover of petite, submissive women, I consider pro-ana to be a positive development. In a world in which the crushing bulk of fat girls has blotted out the sun, one ray of light has snuck past to illuminate the darkness. Naturally, Western governments, in thrall to the Fat Satan, are against it:

In the United Kingdom, 40 MPs signed an early day motion tabled in February 2008 by the Liberal Democrats member for Cheadle, Mark Hunter, urging government action against pro-ana sites. The motion was timed to coincide with the UK National Eating Disorder Awareness Week.

In April 2008, a bill outlawing material which “provokes a person to seek excessive thinness by encouraging prolonged restriction of nourishment” was tabled in the French National Assembly by UMP MP Valérie Boyer. It imposes a fine of €30,000 and two years imprisonment (rising to €45,000 and three years if there was a resulting death) on offenders. Health minister Roselyne Bachelot, arguing for the bill, stated that “giving young girls advice about how to lie to their doctors, telling them what kinds of food are easiest to vomit, encouraging them to torture themselves whenever they take any kind of food is not part of liberty of expression.” The bill passed the National Assembly, but stalled in the Senate, where a June 2008 report by the Committee of Social Affairs emphatically recommended against such legislation and instead suggested early-screening programs by schools and physicians.

This is disgusting. How dare these jealous swine try to intimidate girls who want to look good for their men! Fortunately, none of these pro-fatty measures have succeeded… yet.

So inFATdels, if you want us to stop taunting you, if you want to attract a man who doesn’t smell like B.O. and microwavable tacos, make Ana or Mia your new best friend. Neither one will let you down, steer you wrong, or hurt you. To those who will curse me for encouraging eating disorders, I say that being stick-skinny beats being fat by a long haul. On a 1-10 scale of male arousal, where 10 is a stainless steel, full-height erection and 1 is a soft thimble, the average emaciated runway model is a 4 while the average fat girl is a 5i. That’s right — fat chicks are so repulsive, so boner-killing that using imaginary numbers is the only way to quantify their attractiveness.

I’ll end this post with a thinspirational picture:

By the way, Alessandra Ambrosio is pregnant with her second child. All the “waifish” models you mock are either happily married to great men and having kids or close to it. Think about that as you sit in your apartment alone shoving Haagen-Dazs in your maw, fatties.

Food Network Wins Victory For Allah

Since moving to America to find my missing brother, I have become a fan of the food television network.  Studying it has allowed me to blend into American culture undetected, as well as learn more about the enemies of Allah: Fat American women.  One show, in particular, is my favorite.  The show “Chopped”.

The show is hosted by the least gay Queer Eye guy, and features a judges panel composed of A Mexican, a Feminist Bitch, and Marc Murphy.  Every week, four contestants compete in three, high speed rounds to create the best dish from random, surprise ingredients.  Each round, one person is eliminated, leaving the winner to collect ten thousand worthless American dollars – though I would prefer camels.  Many, many camels.

This brings me, my dearest brothers, to this contestant:

Laura Simpson Chef

I thought cows had black spots as well?

Her name is Laura Simpson, and I know what you are thinking, my brothers!  Is she related to Jessica Simpson?  Unfortunately, no.  She ate Jessica Simpson and then took her last name as a trophy.

Laura Simpson Chef

Chef Simpson is seen here attempting to prep her ingredients without eating them all

Chef Simpson came onto the show Chopped with a lot of, how do you say, “fattitude”.  She claimed that,

These other contestants see a cute, young, bubbly girl and they think, ‘aww, she wont be a threat’.  Well I got news for you!  I’m going to win this thing!

 

Trust me, Laura – none of them were thinking that you were cute or bubbly.  They were thinking, “Dear God, if my daughter ends up like that big blubber ball I’ll have to behead her for shaming my family as Allah commands, may his name be praised!”

Naturally, Laura cooked goose-fat potatoes and an extremely sugary, candy and ice cream filled dessert.  I was surprised that she didn’t add bacon grease to each course – you know how these fat infidels love the unholy swine juice.

Chef Simpson made it all the way to round three of the competition, bringing the final round down to her or a young American man who kept himself in good shape.  I am convinced, as Allah Lives, that the only reason she made it so far is because The Feminist judge pleaded her case constantly – always siding with her.

Fortunately for us all, Allah intervened and a great victory in Jihad was won on the Food Network that day!  For as surely as Allah is God and Muhammad is his prophet, the young American chef prayed and said,

  If she wins this competition I’ll throttle her about the neck with my own hands!

Allah is merciful and great, and heard this man’s prayers.  In the final round, the fat, blubbery excuse for a woman was shamed and told that the food she has dedicated her life to eating, cooking, eating, serving, and mostly eating had let her down and would not be good enough to win her this contest!

Despite cries and protest from the feminist and fat, ugly tears from the beluga whale, a young American man won $10,000!

This is a great day for our cause, brothers!  It is a day when a fat woman has been shamed in the eyes of the world!

Allahu Akbar!

A Letter From My Brother

I was at my small farm home in my village one day, tending my goats and watching my beautiful, skinny woman dance before me.  It was a glorious occasion, Allah be praised. Glorious until I received this letter from my brother, that is.

Mahboob,

Allahu Akbar.  May this letter find you in good health. I know it has not been long since I left you for America so that I could become a doctor, but I have troubling news.  It is the women here.  I first noticed something was wrong on my layover flight in New YorkOf course I grabbed a stewardess and demanded to know why a hippopotamus was being allowed air travel in the united states – as this breaks Allah’s holy law.  She informed me that this beast at which I was staring was not a hippopotamus, but was, in fact, an American woman.

I laughed bravely in her face, knowing such a thing could not be true.  I was wrong, my dearest Mahboob, I was so very wrong.  I could not believe my eyes, but I was staring at an actual American woman.  I thought, surely this was a one-off thing, they can’t all be this big.

They are all this big.

I am not sure what happened to my brother, as it has been months since I’ve heard from him.  There were jelly donut stains on the letter, and it stank of fattitude.  I have since sold my belongings, given up my goats, and packed my woman into checked luggage.  I shall go to America and fight this evil!  Provided the plane doesn’t crash from the ridiculous weight of the American women aboard it.