How To Prevent Fat Rape

We have some reader mail from a Muslim:

I have a most pressing question for the Great Prophet:

I was studying at the library earlier today. I had to go outside to make a quick call, so I asked the person sitting next to me, without looking, if they can watch my laptop for me.

 

To my horror, the person next to me was this ugly women a fatter than a cape buffalo, covered in acne, with a disgusting, blubbery face. When I realized this, I had already asked, so I went to make the call and just hoped she didn’t try to eat my computer.

 

When I got back, I studiously avoided eye-contact with the beast,focusing on my laptop and pretended to be very busy. Unfortunately, not 5 minutes after I got back, it waddled over and said, in the worst deep fat-women voice imaginable, that she’s going to get coffee across the street and if I wanted anything. Holy shit, what have I done to deserve this, I thought, as I blurted out “no” and hoped the nightmare would go away.

 

Alas, it was not to be, as the fat women (despite my obvious disgust at her question) dropped her tote bag in the empty seat next to mine and asked me if I can watch her stuff until she comes back. As I realized that she was going to try to sit next to me, I was in full panic mode. I slammed the lid of my laptop shut, yelled that I have to leave right now, and flew out the door.

 

I was more-or-less running away from the library, and I felt more unclean than I had ever been in my life. Honestly, and I am not exaggerating, the entire experience is as if been raped by this monstrous excuse for a human being.

Even worse, for a while I wondered what was wrong with me that made the troll think she has a shot (although I banged this tight sophomore later that night, so it’s all good.)

 

How do I prevent this from ever happening again? If, despite my best efforts, this does happens again, how can I optimally express the full extent of my disgust without getting fat raped?

I shed many tears to Gabriel the Angel while reading your email. If the Prophet was alive today he would have included a verse in the Qur’an that goes something like this: “Do not interact with fat people at all unless you are exchanging goods or services.” Even in that case, I wonder how prudent it would be for the Muslim breathen to frequent shops or companies that regularly hire fat people.

My brother, you made a grave mistake when asking her to watch your property. It would have been better for it to be stolen than have that beast think she has a chance of making intercourse with you! Lesson learned for all eternity.