Food Network Wins Victory For Allah

Since moving to America to find my missing brother, I have become a fan of the food television network.  Studying it has allowed me to blend into American culture undetected, as well as learn more about the enemies of Allah: Fat American women.  One show, in particular, is my favorite.  The show “Chopped”.

The show is hosted by the least gay Queer Eye guy, and features a judges panel composed of A Mexican, a Feminist Bitch, and Marc Murphy.  Every week, four contestants compete in three, high speed rounds to create the best dish from random, surprise ingredients.  Each round, one person is eliminated, leaving the winner to collect ten thousand worthless American dollars – though I would prefer camels.  Many, many camels.

This brings me, my dearest brothers, to this contestant:

Laura Simpson Chef

I thought cows had black spots as well?

Her name is Laura Simpson, and I know what you are thinking, my brothers!  Is she related to Jessica Simpson?  Unfortunately, no.  She ate Jessica Simpson and then took her last name as a trophy.

Laura Simpson Chef

Chef Simpson is seen here attempting to prep her ingredients without eating them all

Chef Simpson came onto the show Chopped with a lot of, how do you say, “fattitude”.  She claimed that,

These other contestants see a cute, young, bubbly girl and they think, ‘aww, she wont be a threat’.  Well I got news for you!  I’m going to win this thing!

 

Trust me, Laura – none of them were thinking that you were cute or bubbly.  They were thinking, “Dear God, if my daughter ends up like that big blubber ball I’ll have to behead her for shaming my family as Allah commands, may his name be praised!”

Naturally, Laura cooked goose-fat potatoes and an extremely sugary, candy and ice cream filled dessert.  I was surprised that she didn’t add bacon grease to each course – you know how these fat infidels love the unholy swine juice.

Chef Simpson made it all the way to round three of the competition, bringing the final round down to her or a young American man who kept himself in good shape.  I am convinced, as Allah Lives, that the only reason she made it so far is because The Feminist judge pleaded her case constantly – always siding with her.

Fortunately for us all, Allah intervened and a great victory in Jihad was won on the Food Network that day!  For as surely as Allah is God and Muhammad is his prophet, the young American chef prayed and said,

  If she wins this competition I’ll throttle her about the neck with my own hands!

Allah is merciful and great, and heard this man’s prayers.  In the final round, the fat, blubbery excuse for a woman was shamed and told that the food she has dedicated her life to eating, cooking, eating, serving, and mostly eating had let her down and would not be good enough to win her this contest!

Despite cries and protest from the feminist and fat, ugly tears from the beluga whale, a young American man won $10,000!

This is a great day for our cause, brothers!  It is a day when a fat woman has been shamed in the eyes of the world!

Allahu Akbar!

Have A Miserable Christmas, InFATdels!

Being a devout Muslim, I do not celebrate heathen holidays like Christmas. Nonetheless, as a man of good taste, I enjoy music from all corners of the globe… except when fat girls are singing:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CMZiR1fIfGU

A heffalump lies in on a tacky couch like a cow on the slaughterhouse conveyor belt, wobbling her stomach rolls as if she were a stripper working the pole. God strike me down now. Her singing talent is perfectly matched to her physical fitness — she’s off-key, can’t stay in time, and can’t carry a tune to save her inFATdel life.

Remembering my holy duty, I left this comment on the video under the handle “Betawulf”:

LMAO at this oinker, let’s play Spot the Cliches:

Endless stomach rolls
Cellulite-ridden thighs
Pasty skin
Shapeless face
Thin lips
Dorky glasses
Unwarranted self-importance
Horrible off-key singing

All you’re missing is a plate of donuts to snack on.

As of this writing, she has yet to approve my truthful words. Her fat girl ego must be crushed. This is a perfect opportunity, my brothers — swarm BBW Little Lin’s video and downvote her into oblivion. Bring God’s wrath upon the blasphemers!

Fat Woman Says “Men Prefer Fat Women”

The hamster is strong in this one:

The most feminine attributes, softness and sweetness, are not found in hard-toned bodies. Women who have single digit body-fat percentage are not nurturing by nature. They are tautly disciplined and their first response is “No!”

Do you see why women must be shamed into thinness? Without the shame, they actually think Islamic men prefer fatties.

When you try to fuck the fatties at last call, it just reinforces the fact that they don’t need to lose weight. The sad truth is that fatties in America have higher self-esteem than beautiful girls in third world countries. With Allah’s help, we will destroy their self-esteem to the rock bottom level that is belongs.