God is great to bring you, brother Muhammed V, down from the mountains of the District of Columbia to declare this holiest of jihads against the mighty inFATdel (the new American woman).
Our enemy is plump, numerous, and formidable. She fears no man, because she is nearly one herself. She has no shame and her appetites are insatiable. Her numbers—and size—grow every day, while our brothers’ diminish. She eats of the late-night pizza, drinks of the Starbucks milkshake, and indulges of the combo burrito with impunity. She displays the most brazen of fattitudes, an arrogance that men must accept her “as she is,” if he is to be a real man. She worships 24/7 before the idols of: texting, Facebook, and the Kardashian. She shears her hair, and proudly adorns herself with the Ugg Boot and the baggy sweat-pant.
Our valiant struggle will thus be great—and we may not triumph—but better to die under the weight of martyrdom than to live among the Fat Satan in this soiled, unholy land. We must do what we can to serve the will of God: to return the American woman to the road of thinness and femininity. God willing, we will succeed.
I join you in this intifada. We are but a few warriors taking a stand today. But tomorrow, Allah permitting, we will be millions.